Chris Paul’s Ping Pong Tournament Was a Display of Utterly Terrible Ping Pong

Obviously, these instavids are not entirely indicative of whether or not the likes of Roger Mason Jr., Jerry Stackhouse, Sebastian Telfair, Al Harrington, Kyrie Irving and Greg Oden could actually compete in lunch break caliber pingpong with non-athletic real people (NARPS, Brooo!). Regardless of video-footage sample size, if Chris Paul turned on his inner pit bull/weirdo, I’m sure he’d squeeze out a victory against your run-of-the-mill office ping ponger; Mike Conley might be also prove as one hell of an exceptional doubles partner. But if I were to judge Sebastian’s power, Oden’s stance, and Iggy’s return back hand, I’d say we’re looking at chump city. Take these guys down to a tech startup incubator in Kendall Square and its a full blown wrap. Frédéric Weis types of embarrassment. Which brings me to the following question: How cool of a YouTube promotional gig would it be for any major sports based tech startup (cough, cough…CoachUp) to challenge these guys to a full day ping pong tournament? Like, feature your closest thing to Judah Friedlander, beat the breaks off of Chris Paul, hurt his feelings, and, BOOM, coffee is violently spilled on a web developer’s keyboard. YouTube Gold.

But seriously, CoachUp. I might not be articulating the idea in the most appealing manner, but hitting up Kelly Olynyk, Phil Pressy and Shavlik Randolph to participate in a charity style ping pong event is as cool/feasible of a promotional tool as they get. All bets on Olynyk, because you know Shavy Randy could care less about slicing balls five feet off the table’s baseline. Dude is all about his open bar.

NBA Shop Talk: Halle Berry or Shavlik Randolph? Shavy Randy, Of Course…

10 Day Contract for Shavlik Randolph…Fuck Yea, Dude! Let’s just say Shavy’s boy crushing the 40 (he shall be named Meat Stick Tim) and I are ECSTATIC about our third favorite white boy in Duke Blue Devil history behind JJ Reddick (#2) and John Schyer (#1; that’s right, fuck you Kyle Singler) lacing ‘em up for 10 days with the Big Green Machine. Why? Because the kid HAS to officially rank amongst the most hysterical “misfits” to play for Doc. “Fall from Grace” Randy entered Cameron Indoor as the 12th ranked prospect in the class of 2002, with a 70 point performance as a senior at Broughton High in Raleigh, N.C. (a record was once previously held by Pete Maravich) and TWO McD’s All American awards only to emerge as arguably the biggest recruiting bust of the decade for the 2000′s. He then goes undrafted, gets signed by the Sixers, fills in for an injured Chris Webber en route to a solid four points and four rebounds over six games, and then breaks the FUCK out of his ankle in practice guarding Andre Iguodala. Like, I’m talking Lawrence Taylor nearly having a cocaine/adrenaline induced heart attack after realizing the extent to which he had just mutilated Joe Theisman’s ankle/femur/everything type shit. No really, Iggy actually described the incident as ”It was like a Joe Theismann thing.” Now, 2013? He’s back in the A screaming for a chance at redemption and I LOVE it.

Obviously, I’ve got to evaluate what this motherfucker RANDY can bring to the table. Shall we take a look at some highlights from his stint with the Heat back in 2009? I think so.

1.) Pick & Roll Defense Baby!

Unbelievable display of instinct. He knows that Courtney Lee isn’t about that pull up three life, beautifully reads his misusing the high ball screen and understands that if he comes out too high and tries to hedge, Lee will have a clear path to the cup for a right handed layup. So, what’s his plan of action? He doesn’t show, sags into the paint, slows Courtney and gives just enough help so Yakhouba Diawara (couldn’t tell if that was Mario Chalmers or not) can recover…SHEVY RIDIN’ HIGH, BOY (if you can’t comprehend the Triple C’s reference then hop off)!

Next, we see how he operates when forced to hedge and show high help in corner/wing pick and rolls. Guy hedges HARD, pushes both Lee and Jordan Farmar off their spot and make them dribble East/West as opposed to North/South, eliminates their path of vision to hit the rolling big for an easy lay up, allows both on-ball defenders enough time to recover and then SPRINTS back to the paint. Immaculate execution. Can Doc immediately throw the motherfucker RANDY into the fire and trust him to understand Boston’s complex pick and roll schemes? I think so.

2.) Sacrificing His Body with the Charge

Your 6 foot nothing….200 AND NOTHING. So what do you do? You stick to the fundamentals and willingly sacrifice your body. You call on Chris Douglas-Roberts’ ignorance, anticipate his barreling to the bucket from a mile away, have the recognition to get both of your damn feet out of the restricted area, and take a LOAD to the chest. Great fucking work.

3.) Never EVER Give Up So what if you get your shit punched by Chris Bosh, Zaza Pachullia and Josh Boone. We applaud second effort around here. Go up, get blocked and grab a board? Ball gets kicked out and we get an extra possession. Sure, you fucked up by trying to power through and maybe should have finished with the right hand reverse two footed lay up over Brooke Lopez. But it was a high basketball IQ play unfortunately limited by prototypical shitty, white boy athleticism.