Statement: The Brooklyn Nets Suck Ass.

by: Chris Kattan

Taahhhhhhhhh! Keep on laughing, Jay! Making millions of those fucking dweebs! I’ll sell my stake worth just as much as what CJ Watson makes for coming off the bench any day of the week! Owning one 50th of 1%? Pshhh…. Way to go, HOV. Got out of there in good timing. You ain’t a business man you a BUSINESS…man.

I was at one point riding the Bandwagon and loving this club. Now? Well, lets just say I’m disappointed.

The Brooklyn Nets are an embarrassment. Yes, an E M B A R R A S S M E N T. Sweet, bros. Let’s watch a Luol and Kirk-less Bulls team make your isolation basketball look like dog shit and bring you to the brink of Game 7. Lets also watch Joe Johnson’s mediocre self waste 10 seconds off the shot clock as he pounds the ball to death and maneuvers with a couple “Ooo-ah” crossovers. 126 million dollars over six years my ass. Sucks to be a top the league’s best shooting guards when the title “best shooting guard” is almost nonsensical. The position basically no longer exists due to everyone’s wanting to become hybrid freaks of nature who can play three positions. Don’t get me wrong, Joe Johnson is more than a solid pro. But how in God’s name does Billy King pay a guy who has difficulty sliding over to the 1 and is no where near “superstar” capacity more money than Lebron AND Carmelo? Befuddling. Obviously one of the worst contracts in NBA history. Good luck building around that sour investment.

But in all seriousness, fuck the Nets. They scapegoat Avery Johnson for Deron Williams’ early season woes/worst numbers since his second year in the league and attribute a 3-10 record through December to relying heavily on isolation basketball. What happens next? PJ Carlisimo comes in, Deron Williams does what he’s suppose to do, averages 22.5 and 8 on 40% from deep after the All-Star break and whaddaya know: They run the SAME EXACT SHIT. All you ever see is stagnation. Its lets just toss the rock to a loser with no friends named Brook Lopez in the post and watch him go to work or sit in shit while 224 million dollars worth of backcourt tries to bail us out with a “spectacular” combo move that has hipster Brooklyn fans in deep v-necks off their iPhones for once. Throw in a couple tortoise like slow reversals/off ball screens and there you have it. The ‘Ol predicability card that’ll have you looking all sorts of fucked up against The Chosen One and his cronies. What a joke. I hope they win Game 7 so I can see Miami literally pound Joe Johnson in four and force the basketball gurus of the world into a verbal onslaught of the Nets’ style of play. Have your brooms on deck because ITS….A MESS.

P.S. Suck toes, Kris! Sucks to get hit with the Okie Doke!




Jay-Z Shits On Brooklyn Nets In “Open Letter” About His Trip to Cuba With Boo Boo Beyonce

*We got this out about 4 hours ago but our WordPress has been fucked up.

So HOV has been taking quite some heat about his and Beyonce’s Trip to Cuba from the Republican Party because spending American dollars in a communist country ultimately funds machinery of oppression, which apparently is wrong (on Jay’s behalf). Honestly, if bathrooms/water fountains were segregated in the 50′s and Slavery was abolished just under 200 years ago then I think its okay for an African American couple to drop a couple stacks here and there in any country they please. Nonetheless, the Tea Party and I aren’t on the same page and extreme rightists have found their first excuse needed to get back at Obama for hounding Romney about his ostentatious collection of thoroughbreds/bayonets and Impeach the young brotha: Jay-Z

As we all know, That N***a Jigga most certainly is not about the conventional, tamed, sucker shit type rebuttal. Thus, he released a diss track just a couple hours prior aimed towards America’s collective body of honkey conservatives. Hotter than “Ether”? Well, nothing goes harder than “Ether.” But when you have the audacity to spit “I might buy a Kilo for Chief Keef/Out of spite I just might flood these streets” then you’ve produced an unadulterated verbal onslaught for the ages. I can just picture Rush Limbaugh inadvertently/angrily spitting coffee in his production assistant’s face and immediately rushing to a cell phone to call Bill O’Reily: “Who does this BLACK think he is?” Classic.

I digress, however, because the ultimate goal of this site is to combine sports and entertainment. And Jay-Z somehow manages to do just that by using the track to send HEAVY shots at the Brooklyn Nets:

“Woulda brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free/Except I made millions off of you f—— dweebs/I still own the building, I’m still keeping my seats/Y’all buy that bulls—-, y’all better keep your receipts.”

Realest shit HOV has ever written? Well, considering Jay-Z’s .067 percent (1/15th of a percent) stake in the Nets is worth approximately $350,000, then yes, I’d say that shot takes precedent over any Jay line I’ve ever fucked with. Without .067 percent, Mikhail Prokhorov is just another European billionaire with another “who gives a fuck” investment gone sour under his belt. Without .067 percent, Deron Williams scoffs at Billy King’s decision to pick up Joe Johnson’s $80 million contract and sails off to Dallas. Without .067 percent, Kris Humphries is probably still starting at power forward and embarrassing the League. And I’ll even go as far as to even say that without $350,000, a fond nostalgia for professional sports at the corner of Flatbush and Atlantic doesn’t exist because the Nets stay in New Jersey with a demented dancing Italian named Disco Stu. Props to Jigga for keeping it real. Salute.

Robinson Cano Ditches Scott Boras and Signs With HOV and Roc Nation Sports

Forbes—Jay-Z has launched Roc Nation Sports, a full-service sports management company and has signed Yankees star Robinson Cano as its first client. Roc Nation Sports will be led by the rapper with Juan Perez serving as president. They have partnered with CAA Sports, a division of Creative Artists Agency to co-represent the All-Star second baseman. Darren Rovell of reports that Jay-Z is planning to become a certified sports agent, first in baseball and eventually in basketball and football. The first client for Jay-Z’s Roc Nation Sports was revealed earlier today — through a partnership with Creative Artists Agency, Roc Nation Sports will represent New York Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano, as Cano announced today in a statement. In order to represent NBA players, however, Jay-Z will be required to part with his share of the Nets. “Because of my love of sports, it was a natural progression to form a company where we can help top athletes in various sports the same way we have been helping artists in the music industry for years,” Jay-Z said.

“I’m not a businessman. I’m a business…man.”

If I don’t find a way to eventually work with Roc Nation then I’ve failed in life. Coolest thing to happen to sports. Period. A Roc Nation Sports takeover is seemingly inevitable. Say goodbye to traditional agency. It’s all about that unconventional representation these days, Scott. Sure, every player wants his bread. But what every player wants more is his bread and to be homies with Jigga. A combination made in heaven. Hey, so maybe Jay fucks up on his first couple contract negotiations. Big whoop. What’s a couple dollars to him? $15 million reimbursement? Chump change. Throw in a couple hundred bottles of Remy Martin XO and a thick Eturian women and we’re good. Bring on in Wu-Tang Financial and its signed, sealed, delivered the best full service sports management company in all the land. Let’s just hope HOV realizes what he got himself into and makes sure not to fuck over his clients much like Master P did with Ricky Williams.

P.S. Rich Paul better hope sure son (Lebron) doesn’t hop on the Roc Nation Sports train

Donkey of the Day: Marco Rubio and His Siting Wiz Khalifa as “Modern Day Poet”

“You look at the time, I think it’s a time when many of our colleagues expected to be home, back in the home state playing hard, but I’m happy we’re here still working hard on this issue”–Marco Rubio

Am I a proponent of all filibusters requiring at least one hip/hop reference? Of course. In watching Obama successfully let his Soul Glo in Office, there should be an initiative to splash a dash of Darryl Jenks across the overwhelmingly honkey-tonk Senate. But when a Tea Party backed Hispanic Senator, a political amalgamation that makes me queezy to begin with, cites Wiz Khalifa as a “modern-day poet” and then proceeds to quote “Work Hard, Play Hard” in an entirely non-inspirational manner, THAT guy is gonna have “Donkey” tossed his way.

Hey, Marco, are you peeing on the Senate’s leg and telling them its raining? Don’t you dare spread unruly lies to a collection of individuals illiterate in African American art. Wiz Khalifa is no modern day poet. The puppy shit soft MC has yet to provide a single poetic contribution to the field. His lyrical references range from rolling joints as a fat as King Kong’s fingers, not sleeping, and refusing to use backwoods/dutch raps when burning one down. Poetry? No “gay” floetry. And while it would be one thing if his weed smoking wordplay was creative, its not…at all. Even Project Pat could rip that dude in a battle. In fact, fuck that, he’d most certainly eat him. “Trees” Khalif has to whip out his lyrics electronically via the Iphone because he can’t naturally kick it off the dome piece. “Death of Canibus” sequel, anyone? I think so (by the way, skip to 1:50 in the video below. It’s without a doubt the funniest shit you’ll ever see).

As far as the “A Week Ago”/Jay-Z reference goes? Not finishing the entire bar is weaksauce: “Funny what, seven days can change. A stand up nigga, now you sit down to aim Used to have a firm grip now you droppin’ names.” Would have made for a far more profound filibuster performance. Combine that with his affinity for EDM and Pitbull (naturally) and we’ve got ourselves a full blown Donkey!

You Donkey Mafucka, You!

Brooklyn Bandwagon

by: Chris Katan

It irks the shit out of me that I legitimately can’t help but love the Brooklyn Nets. But the reasons behind my uncharacteristic infatuation for this ballclub aren’t simply a product of their swagged out backcourt of Deron Williams and Joe Johnson, or the fact that I have the pleasure of staring at Beyonce’s voluptuous milk-chocolate frame posted courtside whenever the Nets host a primetime game. The love runs far deeper than that. Time to Hit Em’!

1.)   The Music

I still can’t believe Jay-Z decided to go against the grain and keep it gutter with the music selection. Its like dude said fuck the family atmosphere, we in the hood now, trick. Continue reading