NBA Shop Talk: Halle Berry or Shavlik Randolph? Shavy Randy, Of Course…

10 Day Contract for Shavlik Randolph…Fuck Yea, Dude! Let’s just say Shavy’s boy crushing the 40 (he shall be named Meat Stick Tim) and I are ECSTATIC about our third favorite white boy in Duke Blue Devil history behind JJ Reddick (#2) and John Schyer (#1; that’s right, fuck you Kyle Singler) lacing ‘em up for 10 days with the Big Green Machine. Why? Because the kid HAS to officially rank amongst the most hysterical “misfits” to play for Doc. “Fall from Grace” Randy entered Cameron Indoor as the 12th ranked prospect in the class of 2002, with a 70 point performance as a senior at Broughton High in Raleigh, N.C. (a record was once previously held by Pete Maravich) and TWO McD’s All American awards only to emerge as arguably the biggest recruiting bust of the decade for the 2000′s. He then goes undrafted, gets signed by the Sixers, fills in for an injured Chris Webber en route to a solid four points and four rebounds over six games, and then breaks the FUCK out of his ankle in practice guarding Andre Iguodala. Like, I’m talking Lawrence Taylor nearly having a cocaine/adrenaline induced heart attack after realizing the extent to which he had just mutilated Joe Theisman’s ankle/femur/everything type shit. No really, Iggy actually described the incident as ”It was like a Joe Theismann thing.” Now, 2013? He’s back in the A screaming for a chance at redemption and I LOVE it.

Obviously, I’ve got to evaluate what this motherfucker RANDY can bring to the table. Shall we take a look at some highlights from his stint with the Heat back in 2009? I think so.

1.) Pick & Roll Defense Baby!

Unbelievable display of instinct. He knows that Courtney Lee isn’t about that pull up three life, beautifully reads his misusing the high ball screen and understands that if he comes out too high and tries to hedge, Lee will have a clear path to the cup for a right handed layup. So, what’s his plan of action? He doesn’t show, sags into the paint, slows Courtney and gives just enough help so Yakhouba Diawara (couldn’t tell if that was Mario Chalmers or not) can recover…SHEVY RIDIN’ HIGH, BOY (if you can’t comprehend the Triple C’s reference then hop off)!

Next, we see how he operates when forced to hedge and show high help in corner/wing pick and rolls. Guy hedges HARD, pushes both Lee and Jordan Farmar off their spot and make them dribble East/West as opposed to North/South, eliminates their path of vision to hit the rolling big for an easy lay up, allows both on-ball defenders enough time to recover and then SPRINTS back to the paint. Immaculate execution. Can Doc immediately throw the motherfucker RANDY into the fire and trust him to understand Boston’s complex pick and roll schemes? I think so.

2.) Sacrificing His Body with the Charge

Your 6 foot nothing….200 AND NOTHING. So what do you do? You stick to the fundamentals and willingly sacrifice your body. You call on Chris Douglas-Roberts’ ignorance, anticipate his barreling to the bucket from a mile away, have the recognition to get both of your damn feet out of the restricted area, and take a LOAD to the chest. Great fucking work.

3.) Never EVER Give Up So what if you get your shit punched by Chris Bosh, Zaza Pachullia and Josh Boone. We applaud second effort around here. Go up, get blocked and grab a board? Ball gets kicked out and we get an extra possession. Sure, you fucked up by trying to power through and maybe should have finished with the right hand reverse two footed lay up over Brooke Lopez. But it was a high basketball IQ play unfortunately limited by prototypical shitty, white boy athleticism.