A+ Marketing: Having Boyz II Men Serenade Women About Wanting to Fuck Their White Jeans

Butchering our favorite after hours headliner? Pshhh, give me a break. Believe me, if a female is wearing white denim before sexy time, I’m in there like swim wear with “Love White Jeans On You” as an in the sheets anthem.

Obvious sexual innuendos used by generic clothing companies are the best. Especially when harmonized by the greatest R&B group of all time (those guys haven’t missed a beat, huh?). Whether women know it or not (rather like it or not), every man wants to fuck a pair of white jeans. White jeans make 95% of Tookus beautiful. In my humble opinion, they are one of god’s select fruitful gifts to earth. So any time you compliment a woman on her pantalones blancos, the mindset is man oh man would I enjoy bumping uglies with them thangs. Clearly, Old Navy knows that. But in order for the commercial to pass broadcasting standards, disabling an audience from assuming that Boyz II Men would immediately run train on a pair in a production set dressing room was mandatory. Thus, they stuck an 8 year old girl in there. Because no one neither wants to fuck a pair of white pants on a toddler or be within 15 feet of a toddler when fucking white denim. The mere thought is deathly sickening.

In all seriousness, is this not the most hilariously inappropriate commercial you’ve ever seen? Its all too good to be true. Some quick last key points of observation. Hit ‘Em High, Hit ‘Em Low…in they white pants

1.) Nathan Morris and Company Got Blue Balls Just As That Super Hot Model Sadly Enough Began Talking About White Denim “Amping Up” Her Look

Had the Boyz been able to serenade those two chicks for a good thirty seconds longer and boom: Babies on deck. Old Navy, however, brilliantly scripts an interjection and cues a conversation in which the chick with the chic ‘Fro utters self-indulgent nonsense about her pants being a great new look. I don’t want to hear that, her friend in the blue doesn’t want to here that, and Nathan Morris most certainly doesn’t want to hear that. Blue Balls for The Boyz. My man is all like, “Whatchuuu meannn???”

2.) Old Navy Would Have Been Held Hostage in a Heaping Pile of Shit Ass Trouble Had They Not Casted the Infant 

First, acknowledge the strategy of dressing the toddler in shorts. Like I said, one must deter any thought of pedophilia. White jean shorts…Ew. No one wants those. Now, as for potential trouble, Old Navy would have been as royally screwed as adidas’ Kevin Ware $25 t-shirt campaign had they not casted her. The little girl goes and its a full on white pants orgy. Well, actually, scratch the heaping pile of shit ass trouble. To consider such innuendo morally reprehensible is bullshit. Everyone wants to get it in with white pants. Its the earnest truth. If Kanye West can reference how the private prison system aka the Correction Corporation of America has created “New Slaves” on SNL, then I’m damn sure Boyz II Men can get on national television and profess their love for fucking white pants. Its all in the name of love, not in the name of somewhat true yet obnoxious rhetoric.

3.) This Commercial Only Has a Pathetic 37,000 views on Youtube.

Women hated it…God Dammit

 

Some Dude in Orlando Shot and Killed After Questioned About His Relationship with Boston Bombers

News—An Orlando man being questioned by the FBI about his relationship with the accused Boston bombers was shot and killed Tuesday night by a federal agent who felt threatened, a law enforcement official told ABC News. ”There was some sort of aggressive movement that led the FBI agent to believe he was under threat and he opened fire,” the law enforcement official said. The dead suspect, identified by the FBI as Ibragim Todashev, “was somebody who they were asking about his relationship with the Boston bombing subjects,” the law enforcement official said. The man killed by the FBI may have lived at one time in Boston, the law enforcement official said, adding that Tuesday night’s shooting came as a surprise during a cooperative interview with the man.

This is too big a mystery for me. I think we better call in the Hardly Boys…But in all seriousness, I hate how sketchy this sounds.

A Few Last Remarks on Mark “Heathen” Emmert and His Disallowing Kevin Ware From Keeping His Dog Toys

by: Chris Kattan

What a cold hearted son of a bitch, huh?

BSO—Ware is on the road to recovery, and has received an immense amount of support from around the country that was documented by Pat Forde of Yahoo! Sports.  The sophomore guard has been piled with letters and notes to the point where he has a person in the University Of Louisville’s office dedicated to handling and organizing the plethora of things being sent Ware’s way. Some supporters have taken it a step further, and have sent Ware gifts as a kind gesture. One problem: many of these gifts violate NCAA policy and cannot be accepted. Forde lists some of the gifts that have been returned or used for other purposes:

A significant amount of the mail has been flagged for Return to Sender by Louisville’s compliance office because it violates NCAA rules. That stuff is in a separate bin, in a different room.  Gift cards for iTunes, restaurants and bookstores must go back. The box of T-shirts that read “Be Ware The Cards” on the front and “United Cards 5″ on the back will be shipped to the Daniel Pitino Shelter for homeless women and children in Owensboro, Ky. The guy who sent his business card, offering to cut endorsement deals for Ware, will not get through. Neither will the bags of herb coffee.  The cash must be returned, too. Plenty of people stuck small bills in greeting cards. Audrey from Louisville sent a dollar in a Get Well Soon card with a teddy bear on the front.  “The dollar is because I was raised well,” Audrey wrote, “and I don’t want the NCAA rules to come into play.”

At this point, I think its okay if anyone looking to get a job within the confines of the NCAA chastises Mark Emmert. Its no longer clandestine that everyone hates him and his diabolic ways. The guy is just a cancerous dictator and an embodiment of why Division I Collegiate Athletics will never cease to escape the label of most unscrupulous, maniacal, morally reprehensible American business. At some point, I’d expect the guy to step in, realize when and where to finagle a sliver of room for a kind-hearted breaking of regulations, and for once compensate 18 and 19 year old kids from impoverished backgrounds for the projected $797 million they rake in an annual revenue ($702 mill of which comes from the new rights agreement with CBS Sports and Turner Broadcasting) with a stipend of love and affection worth approximately $10 dollars. But noooo, Mark Emmert and his cronies decide not to read between the lines, adhere to the ideology of every gift received by a student athlete equates to an unfair recruiting advantage, and, thus, take away hundreds of care package gifts awarded to Kevin Ware from those genuinely invested in seeing The Warrior return back to full health. Pathetic business model indeed. How about allowing a corporate partner to exploit a brutal injury of an unpaid “amateur” and not do anything about it for a full week instead? Or better yet whydontchaaa surpress any thought you’ve ever had about dealing with the legitimate cluster fuck in Miami? Oh, wait, scratch that, how about continuing to act like everything’s under control when its smoldering right behind you? And bounce/shift blame just as the the heat is about to bear down in overwhelming fashion, much like you did at UCONN, LSU and Montana State? Its only the most intricate plan ever…ever…What was the point in going out of your way to not let the dog toys thing slide? Do you like hearing guys like me (Chris Kattan) rip you to shreds? God, I cannot wait until the NCAA announces a new prezzy. #HitEm

P.S. Where my conspiracy theorists at??? We can have retarded Boston Marathon conspiracy theorists from Cambridge but no Mark Emmert conspiracy theorists that challenge all of us who consider the man to be a heathen? What is this country coming to????

P.S.S. Now that we’ve in no chronological order whatsoever transitioned into the Boston Marathon Bombing conspiracy, why hasn’t anyone kidnapped Alex Jones and verbally berate him to death? No one has yet to do so…The guy is a narcissistic parasite

Eagles Cornerback Brandon Boykin and QB Nick Foles are Pick Up Basketball Problems

Am I impressed to see a NFL cornerback hammer a reverse ally oop in transition? Well, considering he has a 39 inch vertical and shuts it down at high school dunk contests then, no, I am not blown away; he is, however, 5’10. Time and time again do we all forget that these guys are world class athletes capable of transitioning their athleticism into other sports. Football isn’t a field full of one trick ponies. Nonetheless, if we were ballin’ at LA fitness and my dude happened to be there, we’d be bypassing the whole free throw thing in picking teams and I’d select him number one overall. Actually, hold up. Jeremy Maclin goes number in the choice between him and Boykin. J-Mac is a legitimate problem.

Nick Foles, on the other hand, just blew me away. Did he just really step right, plant, spin left and dunk in one motion? And he’s banging silky smooth three’s? Uh, what? You are a god damn liar if you told me you saw that one coming. Do I dare say we’ve got a new best white quarterback, former basketball player on the block? Smells like a challenge to me, Ben Roethlisberger.

P.S. Who are the Eagles playing against? 6’1, 220 pound, 25% body fat ex-Chain smokers and expertise beer drinkers? Step that competition up, fellas!

P.S.S. Conor Barwin and BJ Cunningham are garbage

#HitEm

Paulie Malignaggi Could Not Have Sounded Like More of A Loser: “I Will Lift Up My Skirt and Piss On You”


Listen, I’m not one of those dudes who completely writes off shit talk that isn’t spoken in ebonics and voiced by some dude who rocks a million dollar Audemar to the dentist. I applaud every and any type of fight promotion shit talk. But it would be a crime if we were not to say Paulet looks like a fucking shmuck idiot dappered up in pretty boy puss suit and two black studded earrings (who does that these days?); sounds like guy is preparing for some consolation prize, Italian reality TV show series in anticipation of having his ass knocked out. Bro, my man Broner has been emasculating you since day one proclaiming he’s ready to go absolutely Ham & Cheese on your ass come June 22nd and you come back with some nonsensical, feminine bullshit? What was that? Oh, your good looking? Your going to “WorldStar” Broner and put him “on that canvas” and then lift up your skirt and “piss on him”? Jesus, Paulet. Sound more like a bitch, whydontchaaa? Adrien Broner must be counting how many unnecessary Bugatti purchases he’ll be making in a month in a bed full of Versace sheets. BEEN a wrap, bruh. Shits over in six, folks. Eighteen minutes in all. KO city. 2,000 on Broner. Yup, I said it: Two Mafuckin Stack Bundles. “Don’t let me drop you because I will lift up my skirt and piss on you!!!” Wrap…it…up….Go ahead, keep on keeping on with the Floyd Maywhether wannabe claims. Soon enough, you, Paulet, Ass Clown, Italian Bimbo Coles, Italian Backstreet Boy will be embarrassed on Pay-Per-View.

Hit Em

P.S. Who cares if the Broner-Malignaggi fight makes no boxing sense whatsoever and, actually, stands in the way of several better fights that could (and should) be taking place with both boxers. Yea, the 23-year-old Broner would be skipping right over the jam-packed and infinitely interesting junior welterweight class. And yes, he unfortunately won’t be working his way up to super-stardom against the likes of Danny Garcia, Lamont Peterson, Lucas Matthysse, Amir Khan, or even Zab Judah. Like I said, Broner is 23. He’ll get those fights. And better yet, we’ll see those up and comers trashing Broner in an attempt to get there. It’ll make for an infinitely better storyline, in my humble opinion. In all, I think the emergence of Broner will popularize boxing for the better. And knocking out some delusional media hot shot clown such as Malignaggi is a great start

 

Is This Not the Worst Hulk Hogan Impersonation of All Time?

Do I need say much more than, “Oh, my Sweet Jesus”? And, yes, he came down hard on some pussy with a stomach full of sashimi later that night. And when I mean that night, I mean in a shower post jumping into a pond full of shit. But, hey, he got it done at least. Senior Week, Brother.

 

 

Can We Just Take Yet Another Moment of Our Time to Meditate on San Antonio’s Game 1 Brilliance?


First, how about three claps for Matt Bonner? The Concord, New Hampshire stone cold unorthodox, New Balance killer finished the last four games of the Golden St. series playing no more than 7 minutes a contest because of his defensive liableness against the small ball Harrison Barnes cross match (Had David Lee quit it with the torn hip flexor heroics and Bonner would have never seen the floor over those four). Not to mention GS pulled a Memphis of 2011 and switched every and any Bonner pick/pop scenario, which meant the greatest sling shot jumper in the history of sling shot jumpers was made useless. Yesterday afternoon? Well, let’s just say I had an awkward Boner for Bonner (yes, awkward Boners for Bonner are kosher) because the man was the epitome of New England white boy, intelligent, work horse, ”I’m going to frustrate the fuck out of you with super effort when cutting, fronting the post and screening” style of basketball (Fact: If a native of New England grassroot hoops, you’d understand us white boys go HAM in mastering the intricacies of the game and thus play some of the more annoying basketball out there). Which all led to 12 points on 4 of 6 from deep in 17 minutes. A full on display of knowing how to stay ready in anticipation of your number being called. For all you discontented high schoolers pissed off over playing time, look to the Red Mamba.

Now, onto the topic at hand: Could Greg Popovich and Tim Duncan (I’ll throw Tony Parker in there as well although all praise of how spectacular Parker was is at this point old news) been more exceedingly brilliant? Prior to Game 1, Conley, Z-Bo and Gasol averaged a combined 56 points per contest throughout the playoffs. So what does Pop do defensively? Well, simple enough, he leaves room for two of those three to go off while making sure one lame duck has a terrible time. And as game film indicates, Memphis is predicated on a myriad of quick hit, hi-low/pick and roll action in which much of their post entry angles come from the top of the key. Against the likes of LA and OKC (teams who for loved getting bullied 3 to 9 feet from the cup), that action was nothing but murder as Z-Bo and Gasol were able to immediately seal and catch the rock deep enough to either get to the line or force defenses to collapse at will—Memphis has scored a playoff best 221 points off of post ups and Gasol/Z-Bo are getting to the line nearly 14 plus times per game combined. Thus, Pop simply throws an unfamilar look at Lionel Hollins: he fronts everything. Yes, everything; Even Tony Parker fronted the post when switching onto Z-Bo in the pick and roll. The result? Memphis resists deviating from their gameplan offensively, the once effective post entry angels bit the dust, one of Memphis’ big three was sentenced to box score prison, the 20.1 points per game off of post-ups turned anomalistic, not a single free throw was shot in the first half between the Twin “We Can Barely Jump Over a Phone Book” Towers (only two for the entire game) and a world was flipped on its axis. Try to lob it over the top? Baseline help came to the rescue. Z-Bo tries to play the game of inches in the paint with Tim Duncan on his back? Timmy fools Z by repeatedly pulling a Rick Mahorn (i.e. pulling the chair) as Z prepared to establish his base off the ball, flips the script by fronting him and once again baits the wings to uncomfortably throw it over the top. Tyshaun Prince or Tony Allen try to create a better angle to feed the ball into the post? Kawhi Leonard and his enormous hands and anticipation have ’em all too shook up and swarmed to do so in time. Brilliance.

Of course, adjustsments by Hollins will be made as a small sample size record of 8 and 1 after Game 1′s predicts bouncing back is in this team’s DNA. Defensively, the Grizz were the worst we’ve ever seen. Whether it was inappropriately jumping/doubling the ball handler in pick and rolls, inappropriately showing help off the wing to stop dribble penetration from Tony Parker or improperly rotating up to the kick back option at the elbow three extended off of pick and rolls that many a time forced Z-Bo uncharacteristically to huff and puff his way to closing out perimeter jump shooters, we were made hip to garbage on an end the Grizz are normally superb at performing on. But unlike the series of 2013′s playoff past, the NBA’s best defensive squadron has to adjust to a Spurs team that occupies every bit of the floor’s 50 feet in width. This time, there will be no standing and watching as all five guys pack it in. This time, Memphis’ weakside defense cannot key in on the strong side of the floor without getting punished by subtle weakside off ball action for corner/wing three’s. This time, the likes of Gasol and Randolph will be incessantly preoccupied and forced to expend energy (as you will remember, that was something that I mentioned they never had to do against Perk or Ibaka because Scotty Brooks decided to tackle the unexpected in predicable fashion. No wonder Z-Bo wasn’t lively enough to fight with San Antonio’s post defense on every possession). In all, last night was more than just a 20 plus point whomping; it was a reality check in which The Grizz finally felt the wrath of preparing for a champion. Writers can complain and scoff at the dearth of Z-Bo post touches and inability to establish the inside/out brand of basketball that has brought them to their first Conference Finals appearance in Franchise history. But without a solution capable of at least slowing Tony Parker’s dribble penetration onslaught, the road going forward looks bleak. Memphis Bleek to be exact (no one wants to be compared to Memphis Bleek).

Best believe Z is in Deep Thought as I write this. A wholeee bunch of reevaluating to do.

 

Britney Griner Receives Help on Her Shit Ass Post Game From Kareem Abdul-Jabaar

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I’ve watched enough (maybe too much) Britney Griner to admit her accomplishments on the college level were inflated. Her numbers were never a matter of Rebecca Lobo-esque post game and brilliance down low. Her numbers were a matter of being 6’8 and matched up with chicks who could barely either reach the top of her tit or chin when fully extended. It was unadulterated, yet unfair dominance. No one ever wanted to discuss her traveling 65% of the time or not being able to turn over her right shoulder and finish with the left. But now that she’s in the pro’s and working with Kareem, everyone will forget that her overall skill set was once upon a time complete shit. Bunk. In no way am I excited to see her try to become the greatest women’s basketball player of all time. Sheryl “I’m Broke But Fuck It I’m a 4 Time MVP” Swoops all day.

Work on those sweeping hooks, girl! Best get ready for that Australian chick down in Seattle. She’ll body that ass AND pull you out to the perimeter! We in the big leagues now! Ain’t got time for games, bitch!

 

 

Woah, Woah, Woah…Slipping Your Chick an Abortion Pill is Premeditated Murder?? Fuck…

TAMPA – John Andrew Welden did not want to be a father, authorities say. So when his girlfriend got pregnant, prosecutors say, Welden faked a prescription for an abortion pill, switched a label so the medication appeared to be a common antibiotic, and gave her the drug. The drug did its job. The unborn baby died. “In my years as a prosecutor, this case is one of the most shocking and premeditated cases I’ve seen,” Assistant U.S. Attorney W. Stephen Muldrow told U.S. Magistrate Anthony Porcelli during a hearing Wednesday. Now Welden, 28, is facing the possibility of life behind bars without parole, charged with murder under a rarely used federal statute known as the “Protection of Unborn Children Act.” He also is charged with tampering with a prescription “under circumstances manifesting extreme indifference” to the risk of death or injury.

I always am somewhat annoyed at myself for repeatedly forgetting that a fetus is unfortunately a person. I live with the mindset that until I turn 35, a fetus shall always be considered a impediment nuisance with the power to soil every ounce of dream I’ve ever had at becoming Channing Tatum’s stunt double. So when a fetus kicks the bucket, I never consciously evaluate the potential murder/double homicide implications in full. Which means I’m an idiot, but who gives a shit. Only real idiots handle abortions via slippage of Cytotec pills disguised as Anacin. Common sense, bro: Even if you are 28, tell your parents. They are the only ones capable of unscrupulously placing enough overbearing pressure on the woman to convince her that she’s solely responsible for ruining their son’s life. And if she opposes, then you bring it to court where 95% of the time the whole thing rolls over and plays dead (pun intended). Why? Well, 1.) no one likes to entertain the idea of a daunting law suit and 2.) she’ll soon realize that giving birth to an infant who’s father is an utter dick head ain’t the move. Believe me, I know a little thing or two about abortions. My plan is the most intricate, fool proof plan ever…ever. That doesn’t work then, of course, you resort to ye ‘ol rusty clothes hanger…Hit ‘Em!

Also, is it just me or does the “Brenda’s Got a Baby” always come to mind when abortions are the topic at hand? BRENDAAAAAAAAAA