Do I need say much more than, “Oh, my Sweet Jesus”? And, yes, he came down hard on some pussy with a stomach full of sashimi later that night. And when I mean that night, I mean in a shower post jumping into a pond full of shit. But, hey, he got it done at least. Senior Week, Brother.
I’d shit my pants if I ever had to fight this former night club manager/ex-bus driver. I’d shit my pants for a full week if I had to fight this nightmare come true looking like the Clown from Stephen King’s IT (Believe it or not, this shithead enters the ring dressed as a Clown on occasion. Yikes). The Clown from IT used to terrorize me in my dreams. Fuck that noise. If I did have the balls to fight Colin “The Freakshow” Fletcher, however, I’d throw the, “Sweet dude. You might win this fight. But you’ll still end up going home as a mediocrely paid European Lightweight Champion looking like whack version of Baraka from Mortal Combat. You don’t look cool. You look like a psychopath who has an 85% chance of suffering from manic depression when you retire. Loser.”
Well, uh, I hope he doesn’t read this…
Haaaaaa. Love it. The most ingenious blogging alias on the ‘Net gets a shout out by the Associated Press. “I’m trying to reach CHRIS KATTAN. Yes, Corky Romano, Doug Butabi, Mango, whatever. I need him and I need him now.” Classic. Give him some Wave Builder and month supply of Mike & Ikes and Chris Kattan will surely be of some assistance. Hopefully, this leads to an interview/conversation with the actual Chris Kattan. I’d have died and gone to heaven if that happened.
A pack of wine flavored Black and Milds! Here is the status of a Cambridgean, excuse me, CANTABRIGIAN who went to school with Jahar. Best caption/comment wins.
“Regardless of this weeks past circumstances, our diversity speaks loudly of us all, and even with Jahar right there in the middle, we were all a family, nothing different between us all back then.”
Me: The price ain’t right, sucker
Doesn’t exactly make sense, but its provocative!
Sincerely,
Chris Kattan
by: Chris Kattan
Here is the first personal account
In the midst of such egregious events, the world has been searching far and wide for any type of information allowing us to accurately depict the psychological makeup of Tamerlan “Timmy” Tsarnaev and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev: How do two dudes who once upon a time navigated comfortably and unobtrusively through a city noted for unheralded acceptance of ethnic/cultural diversity go on to wreak such devastating havoc? From Kendall Square, to Central Square, to the Watertown Mall, reporters have been on a goose chase to answer that exact question. But in locating residents personally familiar with either of the suspects, particularly Tam, the regional press has documented interviews with individuals like this lacking any capacity to project a well-formulated picture of the perpetrators to the rest of the world.
Where does that lead me, a fledgling blogger just trying to help the city I love? Well. I just recently spoke on the phone with a dear friend of the deceased older brother, Tamerlan. My dude’s name is Sam, a 22 year old Cambridge native and a Rindge & Latin graduate who requested that I not reveal his last name. Both Timmy and Sam met around 2004 and have sustained a close relationship over the years. Sam, much like myself, has expressed his disdain for the way in which numerous reporters have gone about prying each and every bit of knowledge from those who knew Tam: “Dudes are stupid man. Aren’t talking to the right people. Black dude’s in bathrobes? He’s a Cambridge kid.” When I first asked about what the nature of their relationship was in high school, Sam was quick to relive memories of Tamerlan’s soft side and cheerfulness:
“This dude was such a clown, yo. How was this possible…He was a chatter mouth. We used to burn it down on a daily basis. If he wasn’t with us, he was working out. He worked and worked out…Nuts, man. This was my dude. One of the better dudes I’ve known. On the Suface level, at least”
In 2007, a member of Rindge’s Varsity Basketball Team, who also requested that I not reveal his name, used to sponsor 6 AM pick up on weekdays in the Fall to get ready for the season. Tamerlan had heard about the open run and asked if he could join. And although severely uncoordinated from a basketball standpoint, Timmy was noted for his raw strength and athleticism: “He was mad strong and athletic. Always remembered him warming up with boxing drills, throwing punches in the corner. Never spoke. Wasn’t a good ball player, but strong dude.” Outside of a physical altercation Downtown in which he ruffed up a Boston rapper and apparently broke his collar bone, Sam described Tam as a a man opposed to violence, ”(My boy) was getting jumped, he came to his side to protect him, and handled these two dudes. But that was the only fight I’d ever seen him get into. Overall, he was a gentle dude…Growing up, Tam had always hated guns and shit. Never had guns, always hated guns. His father always told him to be a man of fists…Tam got brain washed in Chechnya. Either that or he went there looking to get himself into it, dude.”
*Sam noted that Tamerlan was out of the country, in Chechnya, for around four to five months, but wasn’t sure of the exact dates because he been dealing with a number of personal issues himself. The exact timeline that has been revealed to be January 2012 to July 2012.*
Sam continued to elaborate on his experience of Tamerlan’s gentleness in a recount of a recent 2013 mid-March encounter in Cambridge. According to Sam—who had just returned home after long period spent out of Cambridge—Tamerlan showed up at his door step out of the blue with his two year old baby daughter to catch up as Sam was getting ready to head to an appointment. Sam recorded no unusual conversation, but noted that Tamerlan had said he’d “dipped off” from everyone as of late and that his life at this point was just working, making sure his daughter could enjoy the life he had imagined. In large part, Sam noted the experience to be full of laughter and playfulness, “He was playing with his little girl, running around and shit.” Tamerlan then drove Sam to his appointment and that was that.
When I asked Sam about Tamerlan’s religious beliefs, Sam went on to say that around four or five years ago is when Tam became extremely devout: “He stopped drinking, stopped smoking, worked out like a maniac. Preached religion a lot. Always peace and prosperity. He was always a little abnormal about the religion. But that was his own little personal quirk. Everyone’s obsessed with something though. I’m obsessed with Nike Air Max’s…Never thought he’d do anything like this.”
Clearly, this is a candid recounting of a long term experience of perhaps one facet of a very troubled, cryptic and manipulative individual. It seems somewhat unrealistic at this point to consider that this view of him as a gentle, peaceful, loving dude is the defining aspect of his character. Regardless of whether the diagnosis is Character change, sociopathy, deranged, militant Islamic fanaticism or all three, Tamerlan managed to conceal his evil side.
@shmobbm the crazy shit is we beefed with him downtown before!
— MILLYZ (@MILLYZ) April 19, 2013
Lmao damn bruhRT @shmobbm: I blame @millyz for them coming from the Bridge lol
— MILLYZ (@MILLYZ) April 19, 2013
I had mentioned in my first report that Tamerlan, the older brother of Dzhokhar, had reportedly gotten into the altercation with a rapper a couple years back in downtown Boston. Well, here’s more evidence of that altercation. While I personally was not there, I’ve contacted several friends whom again I won’t be revealing and they’ve noted that Tamerlan may have connected with some major shots to the grill. But who cares about the intricacies of the fight. All I know is the Cambridge born Rapper is doing his thing and making hits with Joe Budden while Tamerlan is a deceased loser who no one will ever care about (or should care about to be exact).
*This is all first hand report and 100% true. Everyone who is working on this case for us is from Cambridge, has BEEN an integral part of the community and routinely “chilled” with one of the perpetrators.
Well, the report is saying that one of the brothers “didn’t have a single American friend.” But if that is in reference to the older brother now deceased, Tamerlan, then its not true. Just this past summer, my homeboy of 22 years, whom I won’t refer to by name but hails from Cambridge, picked up a couple of his friends in his Toyota Corrolla and headed to Walden Pond in Concord to drink beers this past summer. The 27 year-old of Chechnya and father of a two year old daughter commonly referred to as “Timmy” tagged along.
*Reminder, My boy is not friends with Tamerlan. Tamerlan just tagged along
While at Walden pond, Timmy repeatedly bugged out about my boy’s brash language (i.e. swearing a lot) and told him to watch his mouth several times, which might correlate with his Muslim faith and adherence to removing himself from foul language. Outside of that account, I’m told, and actually heard while I was at Cambridge Rindge and Latin as a student, that he was a successful boxer. In fact, he was sited once stepping in and laying out a prominent Cambridge/Boston rapper whom I won’t specifically refer to. Additionally, an outside source who I also will not refer to by name, had Timmy over approximately a month back. They watched Family Guy, which apparently he loved. The episode they watched? I’m not sure, but I’ll investigate to the best of my abilities. Timmy then left the country a couple days later. That is by no means farfetched.
As far as Dzhokhar Tsarnaev goes, I used to see him at the end of wrestling practices in Rindge’s field house right before we hit the court for basketball practice when I was a Senior and he was a Freshman. This past summer, I was in Mona Lisa Pizza on Cambridge St. waiting on a Cheeseburger Sub and the kid walks in with a much curlier head of hair and looking about 3 inches taller. He tries to order, but can’t make up his mind. The Italian behind the register playfully gives him a hard time. He then walks out. Random Story
This is not an attempt at false reporting and garnering of page views. What I’ve heard is directly word of mouth and not make believe projections. I am only trying to look out and inform my hometown and my people
Crazy this is happening in my city. Shots like this haven’t been fired in nearly 20 years.
Bloomberg—Minutes before the bombs blew up in Boston, Jeff Bauman looked into the eyes of the man who tried to kill him. Just before 3 p.m. on April 15, Bauman was waiting among the crowd for his girlfriend to cross the finish line at the Boston Marathon. A man wearing a cap, sunglasses and a black jacket over a hooded sweatshirt looked at Jeff, 27, and dropped a bag at his feet, his brother, Chris Bauman, said in an interview. Two and a half minutes later, the bag exploded, tearing Jeff’s legs apart. A picture of him in a wheelchair, bloodied and ashen, was broadcast around the world as he was rushed to Boston Medical Center. He lost both legs below the knee.
A hero amongst us. Let’s get this kid (hopefully its him) for Jeff Bauman. We all need Justice.
Wait, he’s Saudi and carries a bag….but its Nike. I thought it was proven terrorists prefer Reebok to carry explosives? Oh, alright, he must be guilty. I believe you….
Can The Times just tell The Post to shut the fuck up and stop reporting all together? After Tuesday’s inexcusable mishap in which they headlined their front page with an entirely inaccurate death toll of 12, they then go on to join the rest of the internet in their witch hunt and prematurely jump to the conclusion that this kid blew up Boylston because…that’s right, he’s brown. Little did The Post know, however, that both suspects had been identified and had come forward 10 hours prior to the front page’s release. Additionally, the color of the bag isn’t even the same color as the one recovered from the scene. As a result, my man residing just two towns over from Cambridge (I’m assuming the kid on the right rocking the blue jacket, dude on the left looks a bit grey in the hair), panics, makes his timeline private and heads to the courthouse to clear up the “blunder”
My assessment as to how this embarrassing example of detrimental false reporting surfaced? Simple, The Post gives the kid’s Facebook a quick peep, see’s him training for a mid distance run (pictured below; he apparently ran two miles in 11:20 just last week), grows suspicious and thinks to themselves, “Hmmm….The school’s principal did in fact promote violence with his parody of Terminator earlier this year. So maybe there’s a correlation between Ahmed, whatever the fuck his name is, taking to the track to disguise his master plan of global jihad from coaches, friends, and families and what happened in the fall. Is that theory completely falsifiable? Yes, yes it is. Nonetheless, we’ll post it anyway so we can get a couple thousand page views and take that one step closer towards breaking the story open entirely and usurping every other New York Journal in popularity. Who cares if we emerge from all of this looking like fucking dickwads, right???”
Welp, little bank take big bank in this case. Mafuckas are getting sued out the asshole, yo!
Jackasses
When in dicks name did Kobe Bryant ever have sisters? And why do both Mami Chula’s (by the way, neither are of Puerto Rican lineage. I just really wanted to say Mami Chula) have foreheads that look IDENTICAL to Mamba’s?
Could the surfacing of their existence prove helpful for the Lakers? D’Antoni is most certainly in desperate need of a capable back up Small Forward that isn’t named Devin Ebanks and doesn’t have a DUI. 10 Day Contacts for Sharia or Shayla? I think so. Definitely ordering a Sharia Bryant (the sister to the left of Kobe) authentic, regardless if she makes the squad or not.
I hate to be a fucking ass hole but I can’t resist…