Donkey of the Day: May God Have “Mercy” On Kris Humphries’ Metrosexual Soul

Along with Lance Armstrong, Oscar “Everyone Should Now Officially Consider My Mechanical Legs a Gimmick Because I Murderer My Girlfriend” Pistorius and Robert “Four Loko” Swift, I’d say Kris Humphries ranks amongst the nominees for most unfortunate athlete of the year. In fact, fuck that. Why even acknowledge him as “unfortunate”? Let’s just get it over with and prematurely award Kris “Biggest Loser” of 2013. Even Bobby Swift, who basks/squats in animal feces, countless cigarette butts, empty Bud Heavy cans and broken dreams has more “cool” credentials than Hump. Shall we check tape?

1.) As a result of an injured Brook Lopez and a horrid supporting cast of bigs that included Johan Petro, Shelden “My Child’s Forehead is Bound to Have a Greater Surface Area Than Mine” Williams and Jordan “Big Terp” Williams, Kris Humphries proceeds to post an INFLATED 13 and 11 in 2012′s lockout shortened Season.

2.) Billy King convinces himself to feel as if those numbers are representative of Kris’ worth to offset his disappointment with not being able to sign D12 and offers him a cancerous $24 mill over two years

3.) Kris can’t seem to deal with the omnipresent Kanye West and his music in either Barclays or at post-game club extravaganzas, starts producing like he’s back in Toronto, grants Andray Blatche with an uncontested shot at redemption and begins to periodically mope around New York City as a loser in love all while acting like an ass clown and dumping full bottles of patron on dance floors

4.) After getting HAMMERED on by Kobe and verbally assaulted via a JR Smith tweet that put will forever have Kris on BLAST, Kris engages in a campaign with Footlocker to “revitalize” his image. Instead, the campaign completely backfires and Kris becomes infinitely more pussified than he once was.

5.) PJ kicks Kris back to Kathy Lee Griffin status by benching him entirely. He is now forced to languish in regret for ever having agreed to be portrayed as an extreme metrosexual loser that will neither be idolized nor used in mainstream advertising ever again all while listening to “Clique” on repeat.

6.) Kris notches monstrous Barkely-esque double-doubles in NBA 2k13 on “Rookie” all while pounding a tub of Haagen Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond Chip to cope with the emotional instability that follows the NBA’s label of biggest baby back bitch.

Ok so maybe he’s a distant 4th place in comparison to the other three aforementioned loser professional athletes…Nonetheless, Kris has still managed to reach the pinnacle of “Donkey”

3 thoughts on “Donkey of the Day: May God Have “Mercy” On Kris Humphries’ Metrosexual Soul

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